As I enter into this eddy of words, the top-most thought in my mind is to "get it all out". It's been a while since I've penned down my thoughts, musings or even a small description of a fun trip. Words are tumbling out, scrambled all over in my mind as I try to sort them out into logical phrases.
Where do I begin. Since the first title that came to my mind was "Baby Steps" - I realize that in addition to these being my first steps in the blogger-world, the one person who most dominates my thoughts is my baby. I guess that's what being a mom is all about. So let me start there.
The latest life-changing event in my life - the birth of my son. His laugh the first thing in the morning, his excitement on hearing the garage door open when either Vishal or I get home, his challenging us by opening the door to the DVD cabinet and then waiting to see our reaction - seems like the purpose of my life was to enjoy these moments. I know Vishal feels the same way.
It's scary to see how fast time is passing us by. It seems like just yesterday that we brought our baby home - this tiny helpless little bundle who brought out such fierce feelings of protectiveness (he still does). I can't believe it's been almost 10 months since that day. Being a working mom is tough - not so much from a physical aspect. I fret that there are moments that I've missed - some precious coos that I never heard, some adorable smiles I never saw - maybe even a laugh, some heart-wrenching wails that I wasn't around to soothe. And knowing that my son is growing up so fast - that actually brings out mixed feelings in me. On the one hand, I am happy and excited to enjoy something new every day. On the other hand, I don't want this time to go by this soon - it's like trying to hold sand in your fist - priceless moments are just slipping by. I have my flashes of insecurity. Will my son ask me someday why I didn't spend more time with him? Will he compare me to other moms who dedicated all their time to their babies? The biggest fear is will he THINK any less of me even if doesn't get around to saying it? I wonder if this is something every working mother goes through, am pretty sure it is.
But with this thought comes the realization that my mother was working too when I was a child. I don't really think any less of her and I couldn't love her more. So that gives me hope that my son will also see that the choices I made were driven by the will to be able to give him a better future. He will never know the gut-wrenching pain I go through every morning when I say "Good Bye" to him as he is in the arms of his nanny, the agonizing wait I endure the entire day longing to drive back home to take him in my arms, the way my heart leaps with excitement as I take the I-90 back home weaving in and out of the traffic counting down the minutes, the rush of relief flooding through my veins as he grabs on to my leg without even letting me take my shoes off. I don't need him to know. I know and I am thankful that I am a woman, a mother.
On that note, I salute all mothers - each one of you have a made a choice and I hope and pray that your children appreciate it, thank you for it.
Since I did go on about mothers, I would like to dedicate this blog to fathers - to one in particular. My father-in-law, my appa, who is no longer in our lives, but is always in our thoughts. Appa, thanks for playing your part in raising Vishal and a very very Happy Birthday to you.
14 comments:
I am surprised, to say the least, on seeing you blog. Pleasantly too, if I may add.
Keep it going ! I shall follow it eagerly.
P.S. : Thanks for the note on appa - means a lot to me.
P.S.2 : Kabir is now going to compete to "out-blog" you :-)
P.S.3 : Just realised that I will be odd one out (not having a blog). But don't hold your breathe to see me write out - my thoughts are for me and me alone ... hah (a sinister smile accompanies this last statement).
Nice writing style Swetha..Could not hold back a few tears reading about missing our kids while at work.. Mine are 10 and almost 8 and I still can't wait to go back to them.. I miss walking them to their bus stop, waving kisses and byes to them in the bus..
But hey not regrets.. Guess after taking the 4 month break and being at home, apart from being physically there more for the kids, I can tell I did not accomplish any more with regard to spending time with their homework or other activities than I am now.. I guess we make up or it in many creative ways.. At least that's what I hope and believe..
Keep blogging.. gives a chance to share feelings..
PS: I created my blog just yesterday..Its blank now.. :))
A great start Swetha ,loved reading your blog and will be waiting to read your next post.
My dear Kondhe,
Yes, the feeling that you are missing out on perhaps the most defining moments of their childhood and even our motherhood,lasts a life time; wherever whenever you go leaving your babies, even when they think they no more are! Even now, when you tell me you wore a sari I sent from here, tried a new outfit, I miss seeing it. When I was with you and Suchi had a sari day or Dhiraj had a picnic, I wondered if only we mothers were endowed with Krishna's power to be with many people at the same time, how wonderful it would have been!
Do keep writing!
Love you.
mom
Mala - Thanks for sharing your experience. It does give me some solace and lots of hope :-) Looking forward to reading your blog.
Thanks Ruchi for the encouraging words. I will try to keep posting regularly!
Very thoughtful. I am not a mother myself nor do I wish to be one. I have always saluted mothers for their tireless efforts and great ability to multi-task.
I remember how proud you were when you told me you were expecting Baby Kabir and I know how proud he will be of his mom (and Dad) when he is older.
Luv ya, Girl! Very nice writing.
Thanks Shaun! Your friendship means a lot and I am glad I have that shoulder to lean on. Love you too chica!
We already spoke about your blog, but still giving my comments here :)
We will never be around our kids all the time. But when we are, we shower so much love and care that it will be impossible for them to think any less of us. And great start, very touching. I miss my baby now :-(
You are so right Vinita. I realize it but it's still difficult for me to come to terms with it. For my sake and for Vishal and Kabir, I hope to be at peace with this fact soon.
Swetha, you are wonderful mom and wonderful writer! It is amazing how you could express the emotions I feel too! One day Kabir will read these lines... I can imagine how proud he will be with you. He will understand how loved he is!
Thanks Tanya for those lovely words. Believe me, I do get a lot of inspiration from friends like you!
hi swe.....
i had tears in my eyes when i read ur blog...... i know personally how u wud give 200%of ur time to kabir... i still cant forget one evening, when i was in chicago,hw u had sobbed ur heart out for leaving kabir at home while working....if kabir is anything like his parents then he will love &respect u more for ur sacrifices than the otherway....
even though i was a 24/7 mom ¬ a working mom i remember sending 6yr old vishy back to mumbai to his father ...he had to attend school& i had to stay back in chennai to take care of 25 days old pooja... it was heart wrenching ...it still is heart wrenching to stay away from vish,u &my darling kabir ...i still sob a bucket when i think of missing out on kabir kutti's antics ...you have my vote for being the best mom on the earth...
thanks a lot for those lines on appa ....he wud hv been so proud of u ,,, he still is i am sure where ever he is ..luv amma
Hi Akks...First blog - very cool !!! So touching, so beautiful - a perfect reflection of a mother's unselfish heart. I don't wish to sob on this so I'll just stop at - All very nice.
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